So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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