it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize