Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
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