did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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