I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
