I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
She needs sedatives and a leash
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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