I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Randomize
