Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
