I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I could make wine with my vomit
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
