Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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