My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
