R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
