I am puke
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
