how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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