apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
