Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
