I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
