the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
