the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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