Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
