god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize