She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
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