Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Let's get the cat blown out
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
