I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
So vagazzling was a success
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
