This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
