I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Randomize
