There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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