Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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