I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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