my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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