It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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