thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize