i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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