I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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