she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
