You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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