capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
