My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
