my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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