Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
