if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
