I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
