I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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