i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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