wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
there's paper in my vomit.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
