im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
