she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
