We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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