I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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