Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
