her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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