I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
