Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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