Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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