Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize