I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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