I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
