Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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