i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
i dont even know how to be here
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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