its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
