He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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