The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
