I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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