it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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