You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
