I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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