you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
