I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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