I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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